Has this ever happened to you?
Ohh! Argh!
From today, dialling 999 won't get you the emergency services.
And that's not the only thing that's changing.
Nicer ambulances, faster response times, and better-looking drivers
mean they're not just "he" emergency services -
they're "our" emergency services. So, remember the new number.
That's...
Hello?
I've had a bit of a tumble.
Well, that's easy to remember.
# 0-1-1-89-9-9
# 8-8-1-9-9
# 9-1-1-9-7-2-5
# 3
I don't know why they just couldn't keep it as it was. How hard is it to remember 911?
- You mean 999. - I mean 999!
- That's the American one. - Yeah.
- You berk! - Come on, are you ready?
No, honestly, it's fine. There are so many shoes in the world, you know.
They are beautiful, I love them. In fact they're the most beautiful shoes I've ever seen,
but I can't have everything I love, otherwise I'd own lots of things.
And actually they're red, which is quite tarty, and they don't go with any of my outfits...
- Shh! Shh! Come on, you crazy bitch. - ..although they do go with most of them.
- Come on. Denholm's called a general. - Oh, God! Another one?
- Yeah. - I bet he declares war on something.
He loves declaring war.
I am declaring war!
I can see that got your attention.
What am I declaring war on?
My bollocks?
Stress!
Stress is a disease, people. And I am the cure.
I'm a doctor with a cure. No, I'm not. I'm a general, and it's still a war!
A war on disease - stress!
There's too much stress around here...
They're very expensive, and besides, the woman in the shop
said they were way too small for me, so, you know, be practical. Grow up.
In the time I've been speaking, over 80 million people have died of stress.
That's another one.
More.
Mayhem! We've got to deal with it.
- Are you ready to deal with it? - Yeah!
- Say "I hate stress". - I hate stress.
No, you didn't let me finish.
Say I hate stress, and I want to limit its influence in my life. What can I do about it?
Anyone?
Have a bath?
Have a bath? Get a bike!
I cycle to work every day - 70 miles.
Both here and here are as red as a fire engine.
Any other ideas?
- Jen, what about you? - Shoes.
- What? - Shoes.
What? Shoes...
OK, look. I have invited Dr Julian Holmes to come and give a class at lunchtime.
He is Europe's leading stress expert. They call them "stressperts".
Anyone interested in coming along, picking up a few tips on how to manage stress?
There's a free buffet.
Good. Good, people.
Oh. By the way, anyone still experiencing stress at the end of the day
will be fired!
- It's not going on. - Yeah, I think it is, though.
- Just angle it a bit more. - Are you sure you're a five?
- I'm not a liar. - Yeah, but I mean, I can't...
Just... I can feel the heel going into the shoe. Just angle it a bit more.
- There is no angle that I could... - Don't let me push you away.
Just lean in with the shoe. Lean in with the shoe!
We have been here for half an hour.
The shoes aren't going on. They are two sizes too small,
and even if they did go on, they would cripple you.
You don't want that, do you?
I myself have been subject to some terrible rages...
Yes?
I'm sorry. Is this the stress class?
- Oh, yeah. Come on in. - Thank you.
Moss!
Come on in.
It's in here!
Moss!
Sorry.
Um... Sorry.
All right.
Thank you. It's no problem.
Argh!
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
Um... As I was saying, uh,
I myself have been subject to some terrible rages,
where I've snapped at my wife, or spoken harshly to a work colleague,
because of stress.
In fact, just thinking about it now, I realise I'm raising my voice,
so I'm sorry.
Stress is the main cause of heart attacks, and even a little bit can...
Well...
Let me show you what stress can do.
I'm going to need a volunteer.
Yes. Come on up.
That's fine. Can I have your left hand there?
Sit back, and just relax.
I'm going to ask you a very personal question.
You see? It's all right, I'm not going to ask you anything at all.
That's just to show how little is needed to send our stress levels shooting up.
Just a simple statement like that has registered very strongly on the display.
- Another volunteer? - Yeah.
OK. I'll just take this off there...
I'm gonna kill you!
There it goes! Yes! Right up! Look at that.
Brilliant. Brilliant. Excellent. It's a super machine.
- Wow. Great shoes. - Thank you very much.
I really envy women with dainty feet. What are you, a five?
Yes.
Well, just a little, um, misunderstanding there, I should imagine.
- So let's move on. I... - Whoa!
I actually haven't had a proper go yet.
I don't think that that should count, what happened there.
Actually, I don't think that's fair.
I would like a go, and I think Roy should be punished for nearly killing that lady.
- Well, I think I should go first. - I don't think so. Let's move on.
- When did you grow your beard? - A little go.
- Just one little weeny go. - Are you very old?
Let's move on!
Oh, shut up!
- What are you eating? - Muffin.
A muffin? How can you be hungry? You ate a whole chicken at the stress buffet.
- What's that? - Oh.
I've made a stress machine to try out on myself, like the one in that class.
Watch this.
I'm going to ask myself a very personal question.
Don't worry. I'm not really going to ask myself any questions.
Dead good. Not as good as the one in the stress class.
The shoes!
What was all that about?
- Well, like all women, she's shoe mad. - That's a bit sexist, isn't it?
Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?
No. But I only know one woman. And she just left the room shouting, "The shoes!"
Aaaaargh!
The needle's freaking out!
Try not to hurt yourself.
- Moss? - Yeah?
Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine?
- Yes. - You turned it off?
Oh, I'm fairly sure I did.
Because you remember what happened last time, right?
Yes. That was very funny.
Well, no, no.
It was very dangerous, and someone nearly died.
Right. No. Yeah, I was thinking of a different incident, the one on the golf course.
What?
- I'm talking about the fire. - Oh, yeah. Fire. Sorry.
I always get mixed up between "golf" and "fire".
- Just make sure it's off. - It is off, I think.
- Well, just make sure it is. - I will make sure it is.
And if it's already off...
I'll just walk away.
Get off my back. What is he, the soldering iron police?
It's... off.
That means I turn it on,
and just walk away.
Oh! Four! I mean, five!
I mean, fire!
Now, let's see what we have here.
"Stand upright."
Now I can't read it.
Oh! Not me. I am a giddy goat.
OK. "Remove safety clip."
- Don't look at my feet. - Fire?
Fire?
No?
"Aim nozzle at base of fire."
Oh! That is typical.
Why's it done that?
Oh...
Uh...
I'll just put this over here with the rest... of the fire.
Um...
# 0-1-1-5-3...
No.
# 0-1-1-8...
# 0-1-1-89-9-9
# Mm-mm-mm-mm mm-mm-mm-mm
3.
Hello? Is this the emergency services?
Then which country am I speaking to?
Hello? Hello?
I know. Yeah.
OK.
fire.
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of...
No, that's too formal.
Dear Sir/Madam, Fire, exclamation mark.
Help me, exclamation mark.
123 Carenden Road.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
All the best, Maurice Moss.
What were you wearing size five shoes for, woman? You're at least an eight.
Eight?! How dare you?
That foot is completely mangled.
And the other one's even worse.
- You're not wearing these again. - But I threw away my other shoes.
What am I supposed to wear?
Hello. Hello!
D'you remember me? Can I have a go on your machine now?
- Hello again. - Oh, hi.
Please thank Yamamoto-san for this fine ceremonial sword.
It is a magnificent symbol of our new merger.
I am sorry that my gift, a huge pair of Doc Martens,
with extremely thick and heavy soles, is so paltry in comparison.
Please rest assured that my cultural adviser will be fired as soon as this meeting is over.
- These are very heavy shoes. - Yes.
He feels like Godzilla.
Does he? Godzilla? Go on, stamp your feet.
Clap him, man. Good.
The Jap loves it.
Go on. Break something!
Put your weight into it!
You bleep idiot!
What are you doing?! You stupid old bleep!
You bleep twat! What, you think you're a big man bleep bleep shoes?!
Well, you're not! You're nothing but a bleep bleep!
I am so sorry, Denholm.
That was quite a tirade, Jen.
It would have been even worse if Paul hadn't been so quick on the profanity buzzer.
Well done, Paul. You're back on the payroll.
- As for you, you fucked up. - bleep
Shouting at Japs, mad feet - both classic signs of stress.
And you know how I feel about stress.
Go to your office, and wait for me.
The weirdest thing just happened...
Fire! Fire!
I've sent an email. It's fine.
An email?! It's a fire! Where...?
Where's the bisting... the bistinguisher?
How...?
"Made in Britain".
- This is just like the golf incident. - You mean the fire incident.
- Of course I mean the fire incident. - What have you got there?
I'm in trouble. I've got to get my shoes on. Help me get them on before Denholm comes.
- Denholm's coming? - Yeah, and he's gonna fire... Fire! Fire!
I've taken care of it. I have to say,
I feel a little bit insulted by the lack of faith you're both displaying.
- What happened to your feet?! - What is this?
I think a fire in the office demands a little more attention than my feet, don't you?
- How did you get the stress machine, Roy? - Um... Don't really know.
Met Dr Holmes by the lifts...
Wasn't he nice? I thought he was a lovely man.
Yeah, I thought he was a delight. But I met him there by the lifts,
and he just went mental.
- Uh-huh. - And, uh, one thing led to another,
and I just... I stole it.
- You stole it? - Yeah.
But that's stealing!
Yeah. Didn't know what a stress machine was this morning, and now we have two of them.
I hate to remind everyone, but I've just destroyed a merger
that probably took hundreds of years to set up, the office is on fire,
Denholm is furious, so can we please concentrate on what's important,
and help me on with my shoes?!
Going to get into trouble.
Empty.
Agh!
Got a little bit there.
Oh, no... Wait! Now, these are a size five.
- What are you, eight and a half? - Shut up.
- Come on. - I'm pushing!
- Push it on, don't pull it away! - Is it in?
Come on! Push hard!
Go! Wah!
Oh, God!
- The heel went right through. - Oh, my God. It hurts so much.
God! Oh, now I'm bleeding. Good!
Jen! Where are you, Jen?
- It's Denholm. - What?!
- Hide the stress machine! - The stress machine? What about the fire?
OK, put the stress machine in Jen's room.
- He'll never go in there. - What if he does?
It doesn't matter! He won't know what it is.
I can't go to prison, Roy. They'll rape the flip out of me.
- You stall him by the door. - Stall him... How?
I don't know. Use your womanly ways. Moss, pass me that monitor, the broken one.
- There you are. - Hello, there.
It's no use being womanly with me, Jen.
You're in big trouble.
Nice screensaver.
Thank you.
Aha! A stress machine.
Just what we need.
Roll up your sleeves, Jen. Let's get this over with.
It's a one-way ticket to Slammertown for us, Roy, with no return ticket.
I really am losing quite a lot of blood.
You understand this is your last chance? If the needle goes beyond here,
you will be fired.
Does that make you feel stressed?
Jen! Does it?
No? Are you sure? Are you sure?
Are you sure?
I'll level with you, Roy. I don't think I'd flourish in a prison environment.
Can I try on your glasses?
See this balloon, Jen? I'm going to burst it. But I'm not going to tell you when.
Do you feel stressed, Jen? Jen! Jen!
Look at that.
That's your peace of mind, and it's gonna go bang.
Do you feel stressed now, Jen? Jen? Jen? Jen?
Jen? Jen?
Do you?
Evidently not.
Well done, Jen. You're not being fired by me at this precise moment.
I love the way the smoke seems to be coming off the top of it.
Just a second...
I'm late for golf!
I wonder why it didn't work.
Ah...
I don't know if it's the loss of blood or the melting plastic from the monitor,
but I feel great.
It's ironic, but this entire situation has been quite stressful.
I'll get help.
Did someone email us about a fire?